All my life I’ve struggled with self confidence, bullying, social anxiety, and the want to fit in. It started in elementary school, I hated wearing my glasses because I thought they made me look like a neard. I played flute 4th-6th grade. I loved playing flute, being in band and all the friends that came with it. As with other schools band kids are listed as uncool. So I quit because I didn’t want that stigma of a label.

I started wearing makeup in 6th grade but no one really told me how to wear it. So I got made fun of for wearing foundation as concealer, also my foundation was too dark for my skin tone so it made it even more obvious. I discovered YouTube and beauty videos and my makeup skills took off and I was able to wear contacts, it got to the point though where I wouldn’t even go to the gas station without putting on makeup. All of 7th grade year I wore so much makeup and considered myself a scene kid. Half way though 7th grade I turned girly. I really didn’t experience much of the bullying in 7th grade it all happened in 6th grade when I told this one girl this other girl was wrong to have a belly button ring at such a young age.

In 8th grade I had to transfer to a privet Christian school due to constant bullying. I started wearing less makeup and doing my hair less because the other girls were not allowed to wear makeup so I felt it was okay to let my natural self show since the other girls were doing it too. I did very much like the privet school the teachers were just so welcoming and I enjoyed having religion in my teachings. I was with other kids who were just as sheltered as I was. Tuition was hard to pay and the acedemics were hard for me to keep up with. The school was willing to work with me on both but the bullying continued. One of the girls I went to public school with also transferred to that school that year, we were friends in elementary school and we were in the same classes in 7th grade also. I transferred to the school about a month after she did and she was so happy to have me there and was so welcoming. After being there for a short while I started to make friends and fit in. I don’t know what happened but she started treating me badly. She was just talking down everything I said and when I tried to hang out with her she would be mean and blow me off. this made my anxiety so bad. There were only 11 of us in our grade but 3 of the girls were advanced so they weren’t in our classes. So there was only 8 of us in our classes and we were often mixed with the advanced 7th graders. I felt very alone. I hung out with 3 other girls who did make me feel better but my anxiety just took over. I just felt like I had no friends and the girl’s bullying still continued. I missed over 50 days of school that year because of it.

after that I moved to Florida and lived there for 4 months then came back.

I transferred to a public school about 30 minutes away from that town and privet school I used to go to. In 9th grade I wanted a fresh start and make friends. First day of school I hung out with these 3 girls who I thought would be my friends. They bullied me also. Just everything I said they made fun of and for every school dance they would say “I found you a date” and show me a really gross unattractive guy. I dealt with this for the entire year. In 10th grade I started drifting away from them more and more. I found a different friend group but still talked to them just so there wasn’t awkward bad terms. Oh also in 9th grade a guy started giving me attention. I liked him a lot and gave him way more attention then he was worth. It’s really hard when you’ve been bullied all your life and then someone actually shows interest in you, you take it more seriously than it was meant and you get your feelings hurt. Needless to say looking back on it I don’t think he was actually interested in me at all, I think he was just more interested in getting in my pants. Which is sad,  but he’s looking overweight now so that makes me feel better. Anyway I got bullied in 9th grade by those girls and also I got bullied a lot by the guys because I didn’t understand ANY sexual terms of any kind. I went to a privet Christian school I didn’t know literally anything and they would just say things to me and I wouldn’t understand and they would make fun of me for it.

10th grade was pretty horrible, I was a loud mouth bitch. Like there was no other way to describe me. I was angry and mad at everything. I was mean and hurtful to anything and anyone around be and I got joy out of doing so. Bullying continues and just made me mean and nasty. I hated school I hated everyone, I wanted to drop out. I thought about dropping out and getting my GED but decided against it. I just couldn’t take anything anymore. I dropped out of that one friend group completely and switched to a different one. I couldn’t even be in my own home room because of how bad things escalated. My new friend group happily adopted me though so it was okay.

summer between was the best summer ever. I was at my one friend’s house all the time we would always hang out. It was just fun. Even though there were excessive amounts of boy drama that was just plain not needed.

11th grade was probably the best year of high school. The bullying finally stopped. I had new friends that actually accepted me. I stoped being a cranky bitch. And school was okay for once. I spent so much time at dances and football games. I participated in so many things and did so much this year. It was just an overall great year. I got my first real boyfriend this year too but that’s another topic. Prom was amazing, everything was great.

Summer between my boyfriend broke up with me, that was fun. Not but the rest of the summer was spent with good friend.

Senior year was blah. I got back together with my boyfriend. I had my heart set on going to a local college for ultra sound technician. I got afraid last minute and decided to go to cosmetology school. Senior trip was the shit though.

After graduation I moved back to that town where the privet school was. I got a job at a local grocery store to help support myself through school. I loved being in cosmetology school. I loved doing hair, I loved the teachers, and everything. Closer to graduation I got the more excited I was to get on with my life. But surprise surprise the bullying came back! It wasn’t as bad as it was during school but it was similar. Since I was older and wiser now I knew how to handle it at this point. I graduated and had a job lined up immediately.

Guess what?  I HATED WORKING IN A SALON. It made my anxiety come back so fast, I hated talking to people, customers were so rude to me I couldn’t handle it. I only worked there a month. I quit and I just kept my little grocery store job. That doesn’t pay the bills though so I recently signed up to go back to school for administrative medical assistant. I really want a job where I sit in an office and not talk to anyone of have minimal talking. I can be a receptionist no problem but too much one on one time with a stranger freaks me out.

So that leads us up until today. I’m still working at my grocery store and waiting to attend school. I hate my job but I love my coworkers. This is the only place where I honestly made such great friends and have a strong scenes of acceptance for who I am.

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s