Everything is temporary.

It seems like everyone in our society is concerned about what they have and what they don’t have. It’s all about items. How big is your house? How nice is your car? Do you have the newest model? Where do you shop at? Where do you buy your kids’ clothes at? If it’s not the most expensive stores in the mall it’s not good enough. If it doesn’t have the biggest price tag it’s not good enough. Why does it matter though? Everything is temporary. If we buy $150 pair of jeans are we going to have them forever? No! When someone comes to our funeral are they going to say: “Such a shame, she had such a nice $6,000 couch.” ? No they won’t! It doesn’t matter what kind of things you have, it matters what kind of a person you are and what kind of a life you live.

I never used to care about material items until 7th grade. When I was in middle school I just got whatever made me happy. I didn’t care where my jeans or shirts came from. As long as I was comfortable I liked it! Until one day during an assembly these two girls in my home room turned around and asked me a question: “Are you rich, medium, or poor?” They asked “medium” I lied. I have always been poor, like dirt poor. We had what we needed, but we didn’t have lavish expensive things. This question started making me self conscious about my class ranking and I started doing everything in my power so people didn’t find out I was poor. I would run to the clearance racks at hollister and American eagle to find things with the names of the stores plastered on the front so people would know I shopped there. It’s sad that materialism starts at such a young age.

It recently occurred to me that no matter what type of items I had none of it would bring me happiness. I’ve always wanted a Michael Kors wallet. I was so hell bent on getting one. I finally go one for Christmas in 2016. When I got the wallet I was like “Okay now what?” My life wasn’t instantly changed, I still felt the same way. I wasn’t overcome with immense happiness. It was just like any other wallet I’ve had, just tens times more expensive. Then I started thinking about all of my shopping habits. “Why am I buying all of this stuff when it is no different from what other places are selling?” I asked myself. I finally realized that none of this matters. It’s hard to break the habit I’ve had for the last 7 years but I’m slowly working on it. I’m returning to my old roots of discount stores and second hand stores. It will pay off in the long run.

Moral of the story: Don’t focus so much on items or what you don’t have, be thankful for what you do have and work on the kind of person you are and how you treat people. You won’t be remembered for what you have or what you wear, you’ll be remember by the kind of a person you are and the things you’ve done in your life.

Have a blessed day!

Backaround check.

All my life I’ve struggled with self confidence, bullying, social anxiety, and the want to fit in. It started in elementary school, I hated wearing my glasses because I thought they made me look like a neard. I played flute 4th-6th grade. I loved playing flute, being in band and all the friends that came with it. As with other schools band kids are listed as uncool. So I quit because I didn’t want that stigma of a label.

I started wearing makeup in 6th grade but no one really told me how to wear it. So I got made fun of for wearing foundation as concealer, also my foundation was too dark for my skin tone so it made it even more obvious. I discovered YouTube and beauty videos and my makeup skills took off and I was able to wear contacts, it got to the point though where I wouldn’t even go to the gas station without putting on makeup. All of 7th grade year I wore so much makeup and considered myself a scene kid. Half way though 7th grade I turned girly. I really didn’t experience much of the bullying in 7th grade it all happened in 6th grade when I told this one girl this other girl was wrong to have a belly button ring at such a young age.

In 8th grade I had to transfer to a privet Christian school due to constant bullying. I started wearing less makeup and doing my hair less because the other girls were not allowed to wear makeup so I felt it was okay to let my natural self show since the other girls were doing it too. I did very much like the privet school the teachers were just so welcoming and I enjoyed having religion in my teachings. I was with other kids who were just as sheltered as I was. Tuition was hard to pay and the acedemics were hard for me to keep up with. The school was willing to work with me on both but the bullying continued. One of the girls I went to public school with also transferred to that school that year, we were friends in elementary school and we were in the same classes in 7th grade also. I transferred to the school about a month after she did and she was so happy to have me there and was so welcoming. After being there for a short while I started to make friends and fit in. I don’t know what happened but she started treating me badly. She was just talking down everything I said and when I tried to hang out with her she would be mean and blow me off. this made my anxiety so bad. There were only 11 of us in our grade but 3 of the girls were advanced so they weren’t in our classes. So there was only 8 of us in our classes and we were often mixed with the advanced 7th graders. I felt very alone. I hung out with 3 other girls who did make me feel better but my anxiety just took over. I just felt like I had no friends and the girl’s bullying still continued. I missed over 50 days of school that year because of it.

after that I moved to Florida and lived there for 4 months then came back.

I transferred to a public school about 30 minutes away from that town and privet school I used to go to. In 9th grade I wanted a fresh start and make friends. First day of school I hung out with these 3 girls who I thought would be my friends. They bullied me also. Just everything I said they made fun of and for every school dance they would say “I found you a date” and show me a really gross unattractive guy. I dealt with this for the entire year. In 10th grade I started drifting away from them more and more. I found a different friend group but still talked to them just so there wasn’t awkward bad terms. Oh also in 9th grade a guy started giving me attention. I liked him a lot and gave him way more attention then he was worth. It’s really hard when you’ve been bullied all your life and then someone actually shows interest in you, you take it more seriously than it was meant and you get your feelings hurt. Needless to say looking back on it I don’t think he was actually interested in me at all, I think he was just more interested in getting in my pants. Which is sad,  but he’s looking overweight now so that makes me feel better. Anyway I got bullied in 9th grade by those girls and also I got bullied a lot by the guys because I didn’t understand ANY sexual terms of any kind. I went to a privet Christian school I didn’t know literally anything and they would just say things to me and I wouldn’t understand and they would make fun of me for it.

10th grade was pretty horrible, I was a loud mouth bitch. Like there was no other way to describe me. I was angry and mad at everything. I was mean and hurtful to anything and anyone around be and I got joy out of doing so. Bullying continues and just made me mean and nasty. I hated school I hated everyone, I wanted to drop out. I thought about dropping out and getting my GED but decided against it. I just couldn’t take anything anymore. I dropped out of that one friend group completely and switched to a different one. I couldn’t even be in my own home room because of how bad things escalated. My new friend group happily adopted me though so it was okay.

summer between was the best summer ever. I was at my one friend’s house all the time we would always hang out. It was just fun. Even though there were excessive amounts of boy drama that was just plain not needed.

11th grade was probably the best year of high school. The bullying finally stopped. I had new friends that actually accepted me. I stoped being a cranky bitch. And school was okay for once. I spent so much time at dances and football games. I participated in so many things and did so much this year. It was just an overall great year. I got my first real boyfriend this year too but that’s another topic. Prom was amazing, everything was great.

Summer between my boyfriend broke up with me, that was fun. Not but the rest of the summer was spent with good friend.

Senior year was blah. I got back together with my boyfriend. I had my heart set on going to a local college for ultra sound technician. I got afraid last minute and decided to go to cosmetology school. Senior trip was the shit though.

After graduation I moved back to that town where the privet school was. I got a job at a local grocery store to help support myself through school. I loved being in cosmetology school. I loved doing hair, I loved the teachers, and everything. Closer to graduation I got the more excited I was to get on with my life. But surprise surprise the bullying came back! It wasn’t as bad as it was during school but it was similar. Since I was older and wiser now I knew how to handle it at this point. I graduated and had a job lined up immediately.

Guess what?  I HATED WORKING IN A SALON. It made my anxiety come back so fast, I hated talking to people, customers were so rude to me I couldn’t handle it. I only worked there a month. I quit and I just kept my little grocery store job. That doesn’t pay the bills though so I recently signed up to go back to school for administrative medical assistant. I really want a job where I sit in an office and not talk to anyone of have minimal talking. I can be a receptionist no problem but too much one on one time with a stranger freaks me out.

So that leads us up until today. I’m still working at my grocery store and waiting to attend school. I hate my job but I love my coworkers. This is the only place where I honestly made such great friends and have a strong scenes of acceptance for who I am.

 

 

Introvert or extrovert? that is the question.

So all my life I’ve pretty much hated people. I know it’s a little harsh but it’s true. At least 5 times a day I say “I hate people” because I honestly do. Now don’t get me wrong I’m probably one of the nicest employees at my work. Except my resting Bitch faces makes people say “smile!” Or sometching stupid like that. Like I hate having to force a smile. Like I can smile in a conversation if I have to but if something doesn’t make me smile I’m not going to.

Anyway onto the real subject; am I an introvert or an extrovert? I really don’t like people. I love staying at home and chilling on my couch. I feel at peace when I can relax and not worry about going anywhere, but when I have too many days off I get antsy. I feel the need to go out and do something. It’s rare though but it does happen. On Sunday I just felt super lonely and I just wanted to do something so I asked my friend if she wanted to take her daughter to the park and for some chick-fil-a and that’s what we did. We also hit up Walmart because why not? That was enough social interaction I needed. Now I’m content on my couch once again. Also at my job when I am working up front on the register instead of in the back stocking I feel fine because I get to talk to all my friends up front and some customers are okay. Some of them I do get pissed at and bite my tongue a lot. I can handle about 5 hours up front before I start hating my life. If I am in the back stocking shelves for too long though I get lonely and look for someone to talk to after a bit. It’s weird I don’t know what I am.

I did work in a salon for a month but I hated every minute of it. I could stand the thought of being someone’s slave for minimum wage. When you are a hair stylist I feel like you have to be fun flirty and outgoing and that’s everything I’m not. I can joke around with people I’m too serious. I hate it when people joke with me like you’re not funny so stop. I hated being forced to talk to someone for 20 minutes to 2 hours at a time. It was just so exhausting pretending to care about someone’s life when I don’t. I was earning minimum wage, still sharing a car, still not being able to afford to feed my self all while hearing about these rich peoples’ problems. Then no matter how much I tried to please them or agree with them or try to relate with them it was never good enough and I always got attitude and when I finished I got a horrible $1-$2 tip. If I’m going to be treated like a garbage can I at least want $10 an hour. Being there gave me horrible anxiety and I called off 5 times within the first month so it was just better if I quit and it was one of the best choices I’ve made.

I will tell you this though. You will probably never catch me at a bar! I hate crowds, loud noises, and I really hate drunk people. I have never gotten drunk but I have had a drink or two. It’s nothing exciting really it’s honestly just a waste of money. I could be buying clothes or something with that you know? Just the ough of being at a nasty crowded bar makes my skin crawl! I’d rather do a more homey activity than go out for hours at a time. I just don’t see a point. I’d rather go for a hike, go out bowling, to a baseball game or something.

So I don’t know what I am. I’m probably that thing in the middle. Ambivert, I believe it’s called, but I feel like even if I am that I am leaning more towards the introvert side because it’s really hard for me to talk to people but I feel like I am getting better.

Happiness

I have never truly sat down and thought of the things that make me happy. In an instance a certain thing can make me happy but I have never sat down and made a list of things that make me happy. So I feel like today was the day to do so. I will probably miss some things here and there but that’s okay.

I know for sure babies make me happy. I do not have any children of my own but babies are such a blessing and I can’t wait to have my own someday.

sleeping until I wake up. I have been working a lot recently and I have had to wake up at a horrendously early time of day so being able to sleep is one of my favorites.

Being low maintenance. I haven’t always been low maintenance but I am in the process of becoming low maintenance and I’m interested into the idea of minimalism. I used to do my hair and makeup every day. I hated it. I used to put so much time thought and effort into my appearance because I wanted to fit in or impress a boy that didn’t even know I existed. It didn’t hit me until recently that it honestly doesn’t matter. Now this doesn’t give me the go ahead to dress like a complete slob. I do like to look put together. I hate going out in public in sweats or leggings but on a day to day basis I prefer a comfy tshirt and jeans or some shorts. No one is going to care if I put together some basic white girl outfit. So I’m going to dress in what makes me feel comfortable. Screw being basic. I’m also sick of makeup, I haven’t worn it in months. I recently did just buy a tinted moisturizer I will wear on occasion but only if I’m going to something nice or feel like I need an extra spring in my step though. Over the last couple months I’ve grown very comfortable in my own skin and realized that this is my natural state and I need to except it for how it is. Not wearing makeup makes me happy and I am going to do what makes me happy. Now I do like doing my hair. Some days I feel all girly and curl my hair and it makes me feel happy but the majority of the time I’m very content with my natural straight hair.

Food also makes me very happy. I recently tried “getting in shape” I was sad and lonely and thought if I had a nice body guys would pay attention to me. Well that was a huge mistake. I was taking in less calories than I was burning in a day and I was constantly hungry and unhappy. I did control my impulsive eating out though so I am happy about that. I don’t eat out nearly as much as I did and I did lose 10 pounds but I’d rather lose weight the healthy way. I also want to lose weight on my terms and not just to get a guy’s attention. If a guy likes me he’ll like me for me no matter what shape I am or whether my face is flawless or covered in acne. I want whatever guy I end up being with to like me for my natural state and who I am without wearing a cute outfit, having winged eyeliner or whatever. I’m done trying to do things to make others happy or to fit in with other girls. I’m going to do what I want and what makes me happy. I need to start following my own wants and needs and listen to my body and heart instead of having others’ interests in mind. It’s my life so I only have to worry about making others happy. I just have to worry about myself.

You also just have to be happy within yourself. Don’t get me wrong. I am very lonely at times and would like the company of a guy but I don’t need a guy to make me happy. I have to make myself happy. I don’t need to have someone by my side supporting me and patting me on the back to get the things I want in my life, if I try my best and push myself I can get these things on my own without anyone’s help. I felt such a huge mood shift when I became single, I feel like I can open up to people more and be more myself without having the weight of an unhealthy relationship on my shoulders, I truly enjoy being single and focusing on myself. I just get really lonely at times and wish I had someone to talk to. Hell if I had someone to talk to I wouldn’t be documenting all of this stuff right now. Maybe it’s good to keep all these thoughts all on record though.

Internal conflict

I guess this all started as a child. You want to find where you belong. You want to find people who are your people. You want to find a place where they’re like you and you fit in with them. You want to feel at home and accepted for who you are. You want that familiarity of yourself in a group of people or a single person to connect with. We are all human. We want attention, affection, connection, adoration; we want it all. But it’s hard to find where you belong when you don’t even know who you are. We live in a world where we are given the idea of free speech yet through the media and society we are subconsciously silenced by what we see or hear. What we see and what we hear doesn’t match our internal thoughts therefore we are afraid to speek our option for fear of oppression and disapproval. We all want to fit in and be liked so we stray away from our core ideals to follow the crowed so we are not shunned as an outcast and put down for our thoughts we are so “free” to speak. We can’t wear this, we can’t say that, we should eat this, we should do that. ENOUGH. Why can’t we do what makes ourselves happy? Does our happiness have no value because we live to please others or are we put on this earth to please ourselves? Or are we just a chain in the cycle of life that has no meaning or purpose and we are just here to exist and not live? I’m having trouble finding who I am because I’m too busy being multiple versions of the person people think I should be.